The Traditions – Purified

  1. Our common welfare should come first; personal recovery depends on N.A. unity, which can best be achieved by imposing a common grammar and body of dogma upon all members.
  2. For our Group purpose there is but one ultimate authority—the joint will of a small group of like-minded people.
  3. The requirements for membership are as follows:
    a. Willingness to repeatedly trumpet the superiority of Narcotics Anonymous over all else in the world,
    b. A desire to talk properly,
    c. Additional membership in an approved sponsorship chain, to include knowledge of the secret hug,
    d. Oh yeah—a desire to stop using.
  4. Each group should be autonomous unless it fails to take sufficiently rigid steps to drive away those addicts who think or talk wrongly, in which case measures (including formal excommunication) should be taken to bring it into compliance with the One True Faith.
  5. Each Group has but one primary purpose—to carry the message of “extraspecial” recovery to those addicts who mistakenly think they are already recovering but are really just staying clean and working the steps.
  6. No N.A. group or individual member should ever mention or acknowledge the existence of any related facility or outside enterprise, even in passing, lest we might fail to maintain the pretence that we are the only game in town.
  7. Every N.A. group ought to be spiritually self-supporting, declining to accept experience from any but its own members or approved gurus from the appropriate sponsorship chain.
  8. Narcotics Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, except that a close relationship should be maintained with those members of the fellowship who traffic in N.A. related paraphenalia and knick-knacks, it being our responsibility to keep their recovery profitable.
  9. N.A., as such, ought never be organized, except where the right viewpoint can prevail by using service boards and committees as a tool to manipulate and control the groups.
  10. N.A. has no opinion on outside issues, except when they take the form of negative opinions of other fellowships or views of addiction, in which case the louder the better.
  11. Our public relations policy is based on promoting ourselves as the only possible solution.
  12. N.A. members should always wear a sufficient amount of N.A. regalia to function as walking N.A. billboards. This is perfectly compatible with our interpretation of anonymity. Our leaders are important folks, damnit, and we are important by association. And remember–There’s exactly one right way to do everything, and we know what it is.
    (Basic disclaimer. We believe that the above is intended as satire. Please do not take it as a remotely
    serious interpretation of the traditions—ed.)